Ben Ditto: CLOUDBURST — The morning routine of the “Optimized Creative”

“Thank you for asking me to share my morning routine; this is how I start each day as a high level creative professional.

I wake up at varying times as my somatic cycles are optimized according to variables including astrological positioning, lunar and solar proximity, previous day’s emotional expenditure and deep neurosis-analytics. I aim for two to three cycles per day. My cycles are currently 1.7 hours and I am looking to improve them by around 10 percent in the coming year; I aim to hit 1.5 hour cycle by no later than the next financial year. I mitigate against early-onset dementia through sleep deprivation by sleeping with an organically formed turmeric gumshield.

I sleep in the foetal position in something called a SweetEmbrace device: a cross between a hammock and a cocoon. It is made from forced silk, a process similar to accelerated rhubarb production where silk-worms are given an excess of serotonin, causing them to over-produce silk in a state of ecstasy. The gentle movement of the SweetEmbrace simulates womb-state while being suited to my adult size. Traces of serotonin remain in the fibers and are absorbed into my system while I sleep. I listen to “pink noise”; it is the sound of my own synapses firing, live, recorded by a non-invasive headset which also records dreams.

My dreams have been recorded, verified, and uploaded to the cloud within 10 minutes of awakening. They pass through a moderation facility in India, a human-operated censorship and filtration service who edit my dreams for -isms (racism, sexism, ableism etc) and antisocial perversions before they are indexed and archived, ready to be interpreted by my shamanic therapist who is currently both digitally and physically nomadic. I am 85 percent sure that they are a real person; I have never met them but we connect three times a week in their metaverse space. I receive a weekly toxicity report from my dream moderators. A dream moderator cannot stay in the job for more than six months without suffering from irreversible trauma, a problem that could be avoided if A.I.s were still allowed access to human subconscious datasets [note to regulators!].

After meditation, I bathe in ionic water while hooked up to a system which stimulates my muscles and brain using a single system with targeted outputs. My muscles are worked by the electrical energy waste that my brain produces as it is cleansed of unnecessary data and non-productive dendrites. The ability to combine bodily and mental cleansing with physical fitness has saved me around 1.4 hours per day. My muscles are c. 20 percent more responsive and my neural pathways are c. 50 percent more efficient. I perform three yogic sun salutations in artificial sunlight as I dry. 

My dreams have been recorded, verified, and uploaded to the cloud within 10 minutes of awakening. They pass through a moderation facility in India, a human-operated censorship and filtration service who edit my dreams for -isms (racism, sexism, ableism etc) and antisocial perversions before they are indexed and archived, ready to be interpreted by my shamanic therapist who is currently both digitally and physically nomadic. I am 85 percent sure that they are a real person; I have never met them but we connect three times a week in their metaverse space. I receive a weekly toxicity report from my dream moderators. A dream moderator cannot stay in the job for more than six months without suffering from irreversible trauma, a problem that could be avoided if A.I.s were still allowed access to human subconscious datasets [note to regulators!].

After meditation, I bathe in ionic water while hooked up to a system which stimulates my muscles and brain using a single system with targeted outputs. My muscles are worked by the electrical energy waste that my brain produces as it is cleansed of unnecessary data and non-productive dendrites. The ability to combine bodily and mental cleansing with physical fitness has saved me around 1.4 hours per day. My muscles are c. 20 percent more responsive and my neural pathways are c. 50 percent more efficient. I perform three yogic sun salutations in artificial sunlight as I dry. 

The coffee has now cooled down and is ready to drink, and I use this time to check in with myself. I was a pioneer volunteer in the field of Harnessed Diagnoses, and elected to receive a combination of autism spectrum disorder, pathological demand avoidance, rejection sensitive dysphoria, CPTSD and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Each diagnosis is modulated to optimize my executive function. As a creative thought-leader; I cannot afford to be held back by neurotypical focus, empathy, obedience or criticism.

Every morning I write a gratitude list. I write it by hand on paper made from wood pulp, using a graphite pencil encased in solid wood. It always says the same thing: “I am grateful for success. I am grateful for independence. I am grateful for connection. I am grateful for freedom. I am grateful to be optimized.”